As you may know, we've been working on the basics this year for our family goals. Those basics include teaching the gospel (i.e. scripture reading), family responsibilities, hygiene, and any other practical life skills that we consider essential.
I've been trying to figure out a bit of a mystery in our house. Trevor is really obedient when I ask him (and him alone) to do a chore, but if I ask both boys, Trevor will balk and drag his feet. When I ask Conrad (whether alone or not) he complains and doesn't want to do what I've asked, which is why Trevor does the same thing when I ask them both at the same time to help. Trevor sees Conrad acting that way and thinks that chores must be pretty awful and that he can get out of it if he does what Conrad does.
I thought back to what we did with Trevor, because Trevor really does obey when I only ask him. I realized that we did several things different for him:
1. We didn't require him to do any chores start to finish on his own until he was about 5.
2. We made chores into play for him and he was allowed to help with a few things and stop whenever he wanted. It was never compulsory at that age.
3. We always did chores with Trevor before he was 5. I really believe it's important for kids not to be commanded all the time. They need to be shown and guided, not ordered around, especially when they're really young. I don't like it when I hear moms say, "I don't know why they won't obey me!" Maybe it's the stubborn, willful, (and maybe sometimes disobedient) part of my personality, but why in the world should parents set themselves up as a dictatorial authority? Most of the time, I do believe it's okay for my kids to question me, and I will answer their questions kindly (while still being firm if it's something I know I shouldn't move on). There's nothing wrong with a little dialogue about why they should be obedient to this or that rule.
So that brings me to my own problem: I don't know why they won't obey me! Okay, so the previous thinking exercise helped me to see why Conrad is having a hard time obeying when it comes to chores. He's too young! He's just too young to be required to do chores. Really, I already knew this, but I look at the boys play together and they seem so...equal. Physically, they can do so many of the same things. Conrad is witty and wily. And so I've felt unfair when I've required something of Trevor that Conrad doesn't also have to do. Conrad is only 3 and Trevor is 6! Of course I shouldn't expect the same things from them yet. Sheesh, mom, get a clue!
So I've been trying to not feel guilty when I require Trevor to do something and not Conrad. I'm also trying to make work fun for Conrad and not be too strict with making him finish a job he starts. He still needs a lot of help with things over his abilities. I feel more relaxed already!
1 comment:
I like this post :). Demetri (10) ends up with the bulk of the chores. Since the next one is only 5, and has far fewer and easier chores, it always seems like Demetri has so much more to do. I find myself constantly explaining that Demetri also has the most privileges, and that when he was Olie's and Teddy's ages he did about the same as they do now, that as they grow they will have more responsibilities and privileges. Except it's not actually true. I had to amend it. Demetri is the oldest, and I think the most responsibility is always placed on the oldest (this is coming from an oldest child of course).
I was needed on the farm, and I had to learn how to run the tractor and skidder, buck bales, and lots of other farm work that my brothers eventually learned, but not my sisters. I'm the only girl of five who drove the tractor every summer and worked through haying season. I used to resent this, but when I really took a good look at the situation, I realized I was more blessed. I was required to learn the piano, bake bread every week, learn how to bottle food at home. And now I have those skills and they are easy. I learned to work hard. Not that my sisters didn't, but when we talked about it, they wished they knew a lot of the things I had to learn.
Now I try to take this experience into account in my own parenting and keep in mind the skills I want all of them to have later- that they'll be glad to know.
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